January 25, 2019

Heaven’s Heartbeat

I’ve gone back and forth about writing this for a while… but after I was up all night contemplating, I decided its the best way I know to help my heart heal. And more importantly, I hope it helps others with their own heartbreak.

The day after Christmas we found out I was pregnant. I knew it already in my heart and Payton did too. Jett, our now spunky one year old, was obliviously happy and laughed as I sat on the toilet asking him what we were going to do. He immediately tried to put his hand in the toilet. (Side note: Do NOT take a pregnancy test locked in a bathroom with a toddler!)

After the initial panic, then shock, then panic again, we were happy and excited to welcome a new addition to our family. We knew we wanted our family to grow, we just didn’t expect so soon.

It’s hard to not start imagining your life with a new baby. You start to wonder what color eyes they will have, if it will be a boy or a girl, what their personality will be like, and then the “OMG what if its twins?!” moment.

But we were soon robbed of all that excitement yesterday at our first appointment. I knew immediately. People always think I’m crazy because I always think the worst… but this is why. It’s my mind’s way of preparing me and protecting me from the hurt. This had happened once before in 2013 and it was devastating.

And now that I’m older, hopefully wiser, and an amazing “Google” doctor, I know that no one is to blame. Miscarriages are COMMON. And I’ve decided it REALLY annoys me that nobody talks about them. I know it’s an uncomfortable subject, but I feel that the stigma attached has got to go.

“The sooner we acknowledge that early miscarriage is normal, the sooner women will shed shame and engage in frank conversation.”

-Dr. Jessica Zucker Ph.D.

So why write this blog post? Because as I aimlessly scrolled though my Facebook feed this morning trying to pass time and ignore the cramps, I noticed all the young females I’m friends with. So many are starting to get married or learning about love.

So here’s my advice to anyone that goes through a miscarriage or is the partner of someone that goes through it:

  1. Find A Doctor Who “Gets” You – Hopefully before you find out you’re pregnant, you have a great doctor. Mine knows my ridiculous needle phobia, my crazy anxiety, and my love for Star Wars. (Yes I even get Star Wars stickers when I get a shot or blood drawn!) She “gets” me and knew the sympathy talk would just make me more upset so we moved right along to options.
  2. Stop Blaming Yourself – Seriously. You will drive yourself crazy. And don’t try to pinpoint why it happened. It’s not the lunch meat you ate or the champagne you drank on New Years before you found out you were pregnant. There are so many things that need to go RIGHT for a pregnancy to happen. It’s not your fault or anyone else’s.
  3. Everybody Mourns Differently – Take the time off work you need to heal your body AND your mind. Your mental health is just as important and everybody mourns differently. For me, my first stop was the barn where I soaked my horse’s mane in my tears. Payton was upset but he internalizes everything. I didn’t see him shed a tear but I knew he was hurting.
  4. Choose The Option That Works Best For You – You normally have three choices: to let it pass on its own, to take a pill to speed up that process, or to move forward with a D&C. (Every situation is obviously different but these three options I’m told are the most common). Literally every option SUCKS. Like REALLY SUCKS. I’ll spare the details but I’ve done two out of the three and I’d be happy to share to anyone that wants to know.
  5. Remember You WILL Be Parents – This is the most important one. You need to remember that you WILL be parents. My mom had a difficult time getting pregnant and my brother and I were both adopted. My sister is the miracle baby my mom was able to carry. My grandma gave this advise to my mom, and my mom passed the it on to me. Really. It will happen. Adoption. In Vitro. Naturally. If you you want to be a parent enough, there’s a way to make it happen.

So yes, this is a sad time for my family, and there have been plenty of tears, but this is not the end of our story. It’s just one part. And for me, I’m better if people know and I’m not afraid to share or hide it. So now the healing starts.

“When we encourage women to be hush-hush in the early weeks of pregnancy, we’re potentially robbing women of support they need should a miscarriage take place.”

-Dr. Jessica Zucker Ph.D.

I’m so thankful for friends who bring me Starbucks to keep me company, Jett’s belly laughs as he plays on his new swing set, my incredible work family who promises me WAY too much chocolate when I return, family who drops everything to help in any way they can, and my husband Payton, who I absolutely 1000% couldn’t do any of this without.

If you have a story similar to mine, I encourage you to be brave enough to share it. You may help a young, scared mother who has never gone through this experience feel at ease. And if that person is you, I hope this blog helps ease your worries and please feel free to reach out to me. Day or night!

I found this article written by Dr. Jessica Zucker a relief to read and I thought I would provide a link HERE in case anyone is interested. I feel like I want to be her friend and she might be my spirit animal. Maybe you’ll feel the same!

And finally, to end on a happier note, I leave you with this chubby cheek little dude! He is our rainbow baby and has helped lessen the sting of our heartache. I know he will be a great big brother some day.



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